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1/22/2016

Becoming brave

20 Comments

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The words came out, and so had I. I had grown up in rural Oklahoma and had a great life, but I knew I was gay in a straight world at six years old...and that complicated things. My next-door-neighbor was also gay, and although we didn't know what that word even meant at the time, we confided in each other and knew this was a burden to bear on our own; after all, it's a sin, right? (Yes, a six-year-old can retain and apply sermons from church.) I never once uttered a word to a single person but him about my feelings, my urges, my interests. I never once shared my true self with anyone but him. Until I became brave.

I was a blubbering mess. A freshman, I broke down in my car one night at Graceland University with a good friend, and I told her the awful truth about me...I was gay. Just saying the word made me immediately want to vomit. They were words I knew I couldn't take back, and the deafening silence that followed left me in uncontrollable tears...the kind of tears that force every muscle in your body to tighten as if your body knows your mouth's betrayal could warrant the need for a quick escape. My friend was brave and said, "That's okay. You did nothing wrong." Sweet affirmation. It's all I'd ever wanted, and yet, in that moment all I could picture was a book of my life until now slamming shut. All those experiences I'd had up until then would be put on the shelf. That was the old me, after all. Or was it? Could I actually have my family, my church community, my life as I knew it AND be gay?

Bethany Dillon's For My Love was playing in my car on the radio as I mustered up the strength. The lyrics helped me to properly identify the core of my pain and struggles.
​

I want to hide 
What’s deep in my eyes 
I’m scared to be known by you 
But when I turn my head 
And see you there
I want to be pursued 
Gaze into my eyes 
And let me know you’d fight 
Thousands, for my love 
Slip your hand in mine 
Ask me to dance with you tonight 
Just ask me for my love

​I was scared I wouldn't be worthy if I said the words. I was scared to be truly known, but I wanted to be truly loved. Loved by God, loved by friends, and loved by my family. I needed it.

A few months later I said the words to my parents with 1,500 miles between us, knowing the implications of such a confession could spell disaster. I was a World Service Corps volunteer working in the Canada West Mission Centre. It wasn't how I'd planned this out, having this conversation over the phone, but my mother had made an inquiry into my sexuality. I could be disowned. I could never see them again. I could never see my extended family again. I could be on my own. I could go to hell. I could lose my church family. I could be sent home from Canada. I could...(the list goes on). I uttered the words to my parents, not because I was selfish and only thinking of myself, but because I realized I was wrong for assuming that my parents wouldn't be able to handle the truth. I assumed they only wanted me a certain way or not at all, and I was missing out on a real relationship with both of them by sneaking. I assumed it was my responsibility to fit that mold in order to make others more comfortable. I was wrong.

My parents responded just as they should have...it was a shock, and they were just as scared as me; the only difference was that I'd had years to digest the implications of my sexuality, and they'd had mere seconds. (Early on, I'd told myself that whatever was said on the phone would be wiped from the record. It wasn't fair, I figured.) We took some time on our own to figure our next steps, and the subsequent months were tough with little communication. 

After that difficult conversation, I plodded up the steps from the basement bedroom of my host family's house to find my host mom being brave. A church member, she and I had barely gotten to know one another as I'd only just arrived a few days before. When I crested the top step, she was sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of tea waiting for me across from her. She had overheard the entire thing. She hugged me, reassured me, fed me, and told me I was worthy. I wept as I realized that Community of Christ was not simply an intangible set of beliefs. I entered her kitchen in a foreign country to find Christ at the table that day in physical form. This woman changed my entire perspective on our faith tradition in that single moment by living out Christ's mission.

It wasn't until this experience that I recognized the uniqueness surrounding our faith community. Every single person I encountered throughout my coming out journey was a church member, and every single person was brave. Why? I believe our church has made us brave with its teachings of continuing revelation. It has opened our hearts and minds to recognize the beauty in the unknown as well as the ongoing evolution of our understanding of God. 

A few months later I returned to Oklahoma to find that my parents had become brave. We spoke little about my coming out in the beginning, but as time went on we all opened up about it. Today, things couldn't be better between my parents and me. I believe my mother, being raised in the RLDS church, was exposed to these bravery teachings at an early age. My father, a convert to this faith community, although exposed at a later age by the church, had this bravery instilled in him by his mother from the very beginning. She had more empathy and love for all people than anyone I’ve ever met.

If you've ever seen We Built a Zoo, Benjamin Mee (Matt Damon) has a wonderful quote that truly sums up this entry:

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”

As we continue to realize our potential as a people, let us also continue to act bravely in a world that primarily acts in fear.

I wanna see you be brave!

​Parker Johnson
Tulsa Central

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20 Comments
Tracey Johnson
1/23/2016 08:13:46 am

Because of your courage, our life has been blessed. We have opened ourselves to so many not-easy situations. We learn more every day about drawing the circle wide, including all in Christ's love. Thank you for being so awesome, Parker. We love, love, love you.

Reply
Parker Johnson
1/24/2016 08:56:11 pm

Thanks for being you, Mom. Your courage has made me braver still. Love you!

Reply
Debbie Cobb
1/23/2016 08:59:25 am

Parker I have loved you from the moment I met you and that was years ago. I knew immediately you were special and it had nothing to do with sexuality. It was your kindness, your love towards family and to all you came in contact with, your fun nature and of course that beautiful smile! You have always had this desire to make a difference. Your life journey has brought you to this time when you are a light to the world, a testimony to the worth of all persons and that one person can change the world. Thank you for your testimony and for your commitment to God and His mission. Love you big!!

Reply
Parker Johnson
1/24/2016 08:59:23 pm

Debbie, you've been such an integral part of all of this. Thank you for your loving perspective. Love you!

Reply
Lani Ishikawa
1/23/2016 08:50:47 pm

You are truly BRAVE Parker Johnson!

Reply
Parker Johnson
1/24/2016 09:00:11 pm

Thank you, Lani! This made my heart go thud thud thud.

Reply
Katelyn Brooks
1/23/2016 11:39:59 pm

Parker,
I have never known you to be nothing but brave. What a beautiful story!
Love you!
Katelyn

Reply
Parker Johnson
1/24/2016 09:00:58 pm

Katelyn -

It's been way too long! Thank you for this sweet note! Love you!

Reply
Kasey Posa
1/27/2016 06:15:20 am

This is beautiful Parker. Your story is personal, but applicable to so many others. Bravery & vulnerability are my two areas of self improvement this year and your words spoke to my heart. I love you to pieces & know God put you in my life for a reason. DaVita made us teammates, but life (and the Wobble) made us friends, and I am forever grateful for that crazy week in Chicago!

Reply
Parker Johnson
1/27/2016 04:11:49 pm

Kasey -

There's no doubt that you came into my life at a time when I needed you the most! Thank you so much for your presence...you are so fun[ny], caring and loving...just what I needed in that moment (and what I continue to need).

I can't wait to coordinate and meet up in 2016!

<3!

Reply
Susie Pratt
1/27/2016 11:56:45 am

I love you.

Reply
Parker Johnson
1/27/2016 04:13:00 pm

Susie -

Your message to me earlier (as well as this comment) are so indicative of your caring nature. Thank you for always looking out for me (and all of your other GU/CofC kids).

Love you and your family!

Reply
Rev. Eric Gates link
1/29/2016 04:22:08 pm

Parker, thank you for sharing your story and thoughts! I am so hopeful that the ignorance and hate shown towards of God's children will be overcome because of brave individuals such as yourself. You're probably wondering who in the world I am, and just so you know, I'm Clinton Martin's brother-in-law. I'm also a minister in Austin, TX, so if you are ever in Austin look me up. Blessings to you!

Reply
Parker Johnson
2/1/2016 06:40:57 pm

Eric -

Thank you for your kind words! I will definitely look you up if I ever get down to Austin. I appreciate your comment!

Take care,

Parker

Reply
Zoanne Martin
1/30/2016 10:40:36 am

Parker, thank you for being BRAVE! You are a gifted writer, and such a blessing to us all. Love, Zodee

Reply
Parker Johnson
2/3/2016 12:09:07 am

Zoanne -

Thank you for your kind words! It sounds cheesy to say this...but it takes a village...so thanks for being a brave member of my village!

Reply
Leanne Condray
1/30/2016 06:57:49 pm

Parker, you are a true blessing to everyone who knows you. You have a kind and beautiful spirit. I have a special place in my heart for you. I felt the pain and torment you were experiencing during those years at OU. You are one of a kind Parker, a true testament of Bravery! I love you Parker for you!

Reply
Parker Johnson
2/1/2016 06:41:54 pm

Leanne - you are so special to me! Thanks for being brave!

Love,

Parker

Reply
Becky
2/1/2016 03:47:58 pm

There aren't really adequate words for how I feel. I don't even think brave is an adequate word for the complete transparency and vulnerability you've displayed. My prayer is that many will choose to read, and risk being blessed by your honesty.

Reply
Parker Johnson
2/1/2016 06:43:36 pm

Becky -

Thank you so much for being one of those truly brave people in my life. I don't think I've ever told you this, but you made a major impact on me and my spiritual development! Much love to you!

Parker

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  • Home
    • Our Faith >
      • Basic Beliefs
      • Enduring Principles
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